Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Something I read

Dear 30s,

Its been a while.  I suppose I've been trying not to write.  People have had some interesting things to say about our relationship and my inability to let go of you.  I've been trying to live with 40.  I've really been working on getting comfortable and accepting that this is where I am now.

So, the other day I was reading Miss Harper Can Do It, by Jane Berentson; and I read this ...."It's kind of like you've been watching television and you're sleepy.  The couch, it feels good, and the sound of the TV are nice and soothing.  You're not particularly riveted by the program riding out the whole night on the sofa.  with mutterings of infomercials and throw pillows with semiabrasive stained upholstery.  But you don't mind it.  You so tired, you keep not leaving.  In the back of you head - where you're still kind of awake and capable of reason - you know you should get up and go to the bedroom.  but there's something that's keeping you there.  It just seems good enough.  You can't fathom that the bed is really any more comfortable.  But then somehow - amazingly - you do it.  You stand up.  You walk to the bed and it's true  It's unarguably better.  Your legs stretch out all the way, and the pillow cases are smooth and cold and wonderful"

It occurred to me - I'm sleeping on the couch.  I've gotten comfortable with being uncomfortable.  That part of my problem with 40 is that I can't get off the couch.  I don't know what's waiting for me and so I'd rather be uncomfortable, then get up and see that the bed isn't everything I've thought it would be, or worse yet isn't even there. And to top it off, I'm pissed that I'm on the couch.  I thought 40 would be all 1000 thread count sheets, and dux mattresses, with down comforters and room service.  But...its not.

So, I'm hopping off the couch.  Jumping up stretching, - and Doing the Vagina Monologues!

Yep, that's right.  I'm spending part of  my time with 40 talking to strangers about the ever secret va jay jay.  Helping people to experience the power of the privates, by hearing other people's stories about their privates.  And in the process coming into my own sense of self.  I've had hard days where I wanted to quit (nope migraine meds and rehearsals don't mix) and wonderful moments, when you say the lines just the right way and someone laughs.  I've moaned (both elegant and doggie style), laughed, and moaned some more.  I've stumbled over the easiest of things - warm ups- and triumphed over the hardest, that first step out into the lights.

I got to spend time with my raunchy self.  hadn't seen her in a while.  and if you ever need to meet yours just hang out in the green room of the vagina Monologues.  We girls gave any guys locker room a run for their money.   Did I mention that I even did karaoke?  Yep, that was me and 40 hanging on the stage with some friends at the cast party  rappin' "baby's got back"  You don't even want to know what kind of moves come out when you're hanging with a bunch of Vagina Happy women and singing about Big Butts.  It was a moment to remember.

So, now I'm off the couch.

Waiting to see what's next.

Glad you're still listening.


Monday, September 20, 2010


Dear 30s,

Guess who I met? Someone who didn't like you!!!

I was so shocked. I was sitting around with a bunch of ladies in the hot tub when we started talking about me and 40. I was telling them just how much I disliked forty. How much I missed being with you, 30.

I told them all about the great times we had together. About all the friends we made, about the kids we raised. I told them how with you I really felt like myself. Unlike, now, with 40 - how even after 1 year I still can't seem to find the right rhythm. I feel like I should still be with you.  40 just seems so old.  Tendinitis, dislocated patella, children in High School.  Doesn't that sound like old people stuff.  Just the thought of getting with 40 was so taunting I didn't even want to celebrate.  I left the country...but 40 still found me in Paris and we came back to the states together.

Anyway,   I was going on and on and we got to talking about who we liked being with.  I asked my friend who is probably now hanging with 70 and she said she can remember feeling the same way about YOU.  Yes, that's right 30 - she didn't like you.  She dreaded being with you and still to this day remembers hating the day you came into her life.  She enjoyed 20s then once you came she just didn't like it.  Everything I feel about 40, she felt for you.  It was a little scary since it's been about forty years since you and her have been together and she still remembers how terrible you made her life.  I'm hoping in forty years I have forgotten all this anger and sadness of being with 40, but you never know.

When I asked her what time she liked best.  She said "Well, I guess RIGHT NOW!  I have my life just where I want it.  I'm free to do the things I want, and still healthy enough to do them.  I have friends I like and have weeded out the ones I didn't.  I travel.  My family spends time with me.  I'm loving now."

So aside from the fact that I found it completely interesting that someone actually hated you.  I now know what it takes to be content in the NOW.  I just hope I don't have to wait until I meet 70 to finally have it all together.  Maybe I should start working on some of it now.  Okay - well, if I was going to get rid of unwanted connections I would start with 40!  Hmmm, 

Missing you....more than that other lady.


Monday, August 9, 2010

You're Invited

Dear 30's

Cesily M. Crowser
Cordially invites you to attend her pity party.

Where :Here
When: Now

Please RSVP!

(enclosed note)

30's I hope you can make it. I'm sure you and I have been to one of these before and maybe even thrown a couple. They always start out the same, just a little bit of something goes wrong and then BAM - wipe out. What happened this time? Well, I was getting ready for the Danskin triathlon. Had finally, about a week ago, decided to commit to doing it. Picked up my workouts, increased my runs and swim time and was really feeling like even though the race was in about 2 weeks I was going to do it and finish.

Then. I decided to play with my kids. One of my favorite things. Just putting everything aside and fully living in the moment. So we went to the ocean and I went Boogie Boarding. My son and I were having a great time trying to catch waves and hanging out in the ocean when I noticed we had started to drift out a little further than I was comfortable with, I saw the lifeguard waving that red thingy telling us to come in and my son and I decided to start swimming toward shore.

I'm still trying to figure out what happened, but basically one wave came in while another was going out and I was probably kicking like a crazy woman the moment these two opposing waves collided on my leg and twisted my knee like some taffy on one of those crazy taffy pulling machines. I debated waving my arms and screaming for the life guard to come get me, but the thought of being dragged out of the water like some beached whale shut that internal conversation down. So I one leg kicked my way to where I could stand, hobbled up to the towel and put on my best "happy to be hangin' with the kids" mommy face.

"hmm, I don't think I want to go back in the water right now, but I'll go sit in the wet sand and dig a hole." All the while hoping that the cold ocean water would somehow heal my throbbing knee.

So, to end the story...I'm am throwing the pity party because it turns out I'm not a super athletic world class triathlete and boogie boarder. I'm just regular me. Not even the old regular me, but the 40+1 regular me.

Wait...the 40+1 regular me was working out hard, and had spent some great time with the kids in the pool and bike riding. The 40+1 me dropped a few pounds and still has the winning smile people comment on. The 40+1 me has wonderful kids who are continually asking what they can do for me, checking on my leg, bringing me ice, and giving me hugs. The 40+1 me was able to walk down the stairs today and will probably be stronger tomorrow. Sure the Danskin is now out of the picture for this year, but honestly I might have been pushing it a little too much which could be why God decided I should sit this one out. I can always register for the Trek Tri in Sept. Which means that the 40+1 me has God looking out for her.

Dear 30s

Cesily M. Crowser

Cordially invites you to attend...

On the way to recovery party. (Please note the pity party has been canceled)

Hope to see you there!!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Blame It On the Alcohol

Dear 30’s,

Okay, listen, I’m sorry about the drunk dial from the wedding the other night.  I know its crazy to call you begging you to come hang out with me.  But you know what they say “If I’m callin’ at 2 in the morning that only means one thing baby” You know I just wanted a little time, not a serious thing, just one night.  And well, you know me and champagne…I thought it can’t hurt a girl to try.  I mean you were already there with other girls.  More than one I might add.

There I was trying to have fun with 40s we were dancing and drinking (which I’m not sure, but I think 40s put something in my drinks because I couldn’t drink as much as I could when I was with you) Anyway, I was having a great time – dancing, singing and enjoying the wedding reception– when I noticed that you were there with almost everyone else.  Talk about rubbing it in.  Just because you were still close to the bride, did you have to hang out with all her friends?  It was such a bizarre feeling.  Like I suddenly realized everyone was a member of a club I could not longer get into, and it felt awkward to be trying to.   I looked around the dance floor and tried to find the group I should now be with, and then thought,  “whatever if they’re not noticing I’ll just hang with 30s and maybe we can become friends again”.  40s of course tried to intervene and made my feet hurt and, made me get a little tired.  But, I refused to sit down or leave your group, I know I probably should have, and I did back away when realized I had bumped into some of the girls hangin’ with 20 – I tried for a few songs to hang around with them and then jetted out of there before 20 caught me.  Wouldn’t want 20s to think I was stalking.  After all that relationship ended ages ago.

Somewhere between dancing and drinking and drinking and dancing, with those girls you hang out with, I, for a moment, thought that maybe you still wanted to spend a little time with me.  I was keeping up and I was still dancing in that same super sexy way we used to dance together, those moves from the dance class – and it just seemed that I should call you and, you know, just check in.  Give it a shot.  See if we could you know…connect for a minute.

I really don’t think it was worth you blocking my calls.  That’s a little overboard.  I only rang you a few times (okay about 38) and left a couple messages, just explaining how unforgettable you are and how I just wanted a little moment.

Anyway since you didn’t answer you didn’t get to hear about the rest of the night.  I shouldn’t tell you, but I will because you should know that despite the fact that you tried to pack it in your stuff when you left you must have left behind some of my sex appeal. 

Well, when I was at the bar getting a drink – someone came over and said “ I’ve been waiting all night are you gonna dance with me or what” and of course I said “sure”  Well, it gets better because then he leaned in real close like forehead to forehead (and yes he had been drinking but no! he wasn’t just trying to keep from falling over) He said “Girl – you’re sexy as hell and I know your coming with me to my room tonight”

So in your face 30s I’ve still got it!!!! 

And better yet, when I told my husband he didn’t get all jealous upset like he used to when that happened when we were together instead he sort of looked at me with a look I couldn’t recognize, kissed me on the head and said “well that’s nice.”


p.s.  What are you doing later?

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Something's missing

Dear 30s,
I know it's been a while...but you know how things go and I'm really trying to as they say "fall out of love with you" and build a new connection with 40s.

Anyway, I promised myself that this letter would be all business and none of the mushy stuff.  I need you to do me a favor.  Can you please check your pockets and that special place where we used to put important stuff and see if you can find my thought to talk filter.  I know I had it when I was with you.  I was always so patient with others and tolerated their craziness without saying anything (well without saying anything out loud).  And now I'm finding myself thinking and speaking at the same time.  I don't know how many ridiculous people I have actually TOLD were being crazy and that I didn't like the way they were talking to/treating me.

Case in point....The other day I was in a little fender bender.  I was merging, started going and then a car was speeding toward me so I stopped - well the car behind me didn't.  and BAM!!!  So I got out, they got out and then the guy goes "You know you don't have to stop, you have your own lane!!"  Okay so I walked up to the intersection to calm down, but that didn't work...then I returned to them and they looked at me and started complaining about my driving again and I said

"You know, I'm really surprised that after YOU rear-end ME the first words out your mouth aren't How are you?, but some lame ass complaint about my driving!!!"

Then I walked to my car and called 911.  I know you can't believe it.  The old me would've cried or just let it go...but honestly I now have no filter.  When people do something stupid or upsetting to me I HAVE TO TELL THEM.  Some guy started yelling about the way I was exiting the freeway and I actually rolled down my window asked him to repeat himself and then said to him "Not to use that language with me, because I'm not letting his craziness ruin my day."  I've told friends their lipstick color is all wrong, I've asked people "did they not see I was headed into that parking space?"  My new phrase is " I think we are going to have to talk about this?"

I am actually afraid of running into people I used to know, for fear I might tell them what I actually thought about them.  I find myself turning down other aisles when I see someone.

So you see why you have to look for that filter.

I'm really sorry to bother you - but it must be somewhere with you because 40s just laughed at me when I asked if they had one I could use.

Still missing you,

p.s. You don't have to hurry.  Secretly I kinda like it!

Monday, April 12, 2010

The first letter

Dear 30's,

Well, its been over six months since you left me and I have to tell you that I still miss you.  I mean it's not like I didn't know you were leaving.  That was the plan right?  When you first came to me you and I both new our time together was only going to last 10 yrs, I just didn't know how short 10 years could be. AND I didn't understand what it meant that 40 would be coming after you.  I really enjoyed our time together and I got spoiled by all of the wonderful things that you brought to my life.  I loved my new sense of self, my new confidence and yes you even had me feeling sexier than those who came before you.  Being with you was AMAZING.  I look back at pictures of us together and sigh with the memories of just how compatible we were.  Then, just like it was nothing to you, like 10 year meant NOTHING you took off.  No note, not a single word of goodbye - just one day you were there and then the next day you were gone and 40 was in your place.

It took me a long time to remember that I can't check the box of us together.  I now have moved on and have to check the box with 40.  That's awful 40-55, or 40+  are you kidding me?  When we were together we were always grouped with all those younger ones, remember...25-35 or 30-34 all those wonderful numbers that kept me in the group of young vibrant people.  Now.  Well, now that your gone I might as well be headed to medicare. 

I am furious with you for some of the things you took with you.  Aside from my ability to check the old boxes I really think you should have checked with me before you took my stuff.  I want you to send back my wrinkle free forehead, my stamina, my ability to stay out late with my friends and my Miss.  Everyone now says Ma'am - so return that one first.

I have set a few things of yours out on the porch - the tendonitis (I didn't have before I met you), the cellulite, the acid reflux, and the grey hairs.  All of these I didn't have before we met and definately do not want to bring them into my new relationship with the 40s.

P.S.  if you run into my 20s have then return my perky breasts and my stretch mark free stomach!!!

Missing you,